Physics

I have no idea why they placed the Large Hadron Collider In Switzerland. As I understand it, one of the objectives is to discover where the standard laws of Physics break down. I know where. On the A50 around Milan. In fact probably on any ring road around any major Italian city.

Let me explain. In the UK, probably everywhere that the normal rules of physics apply, there is guidance about braking distances. For example, it states that the braking distance at 40MPH is 118 feet, at 70, 315 feet. One is advised to leave sufficient gap so that if the car in front stops suddenly then you can respond. Not in Italy. In Italy, the operating gap is ‘Barely Touching’. This rule applies on motorways, fast A roads and small winding roads where there is just room for two cars. In town there is a little more leeway to get closer.

If you do allow the requisite number of car lengths, say two, then the space is filled by a large van, a battered fiat and 6 scooters. 3 of the latter will be driven by old men. They will be wearing vests, cotton trousers and slippers. They may, or may not, be smoking. The others will be driven by supermodels. Now I am an experienced motorcyclist. I will be wearing a helmet, gloves, boots, and my kit will have armour at all possible points of contact. The supermodels will be wearing Chanel. And white trousers. I don’t understand this. If I were to wear anything white, I would, after half an hour in the most sterile environment, say an operating theatre or a microchip factory, emerge looking like I had wrapped myself in a table cloth from a particularly messy dinner. They ride through dense city traffic and emerge pristine. How?

But I digress, the reason for the thing about gaps is the Italian male’s ego. You can insult his girlfriend, he will be mildly annoyed. You can speak ill of his mother, he will be angry. You can criticise his football team, and he will be livid. But, if you really, really want to get under his skin, then you just need to be in front of him in another vehicle. This is insufferable and needs to be remedied at the earliest possible point. This is the reason why Ferrari, Maserati, Lamborghini emerged in Italy- and the Fiat 500 – the old one. That might surprise you, but consider this. How many cars can you get on a two lane highway? Three in Italy. One in the left lane, one in the right, and one in the middle. In Sicily this becomes four as the restauranters tend not to put the tables too close to the kerb. So a little Fiat 500 gives options.

A word about speed limits? Italian signs are in KPH. So 100 KPH is around 60 mph. 50 kph – a normal posted limit in towns – is 30 mph. I could make you a little table but I cant be bothered. Anyway, the signs maybe in KPH but the Italians drive in MPH. So the simplest way to operate is to adjust and read the signs as though you were back in the UK. That way you’ll just about to keep up with the traffic flow, sandwiched between a BMW and an old Panda.

A final word about motorways. Or rather, joining motorways. Coming off is fine, lots of advance notice, usually a long run off, fine. On? Good Luck. Imagine the end of your road was the M6. You go out of your drive, go to the junction at the end – and M6. Go! You think I am exaggerating? Very slightly. Very. The real excitement comes when you are barreling along at 130, ahem, KPH, and a truck pulls out. Remember, there is a 15 year old Fiat 3ft off your bumper and no-one is going to let you move out. Braking distances? I told you, the laws of physics don’t apply here.